Admit it, fellas, the US Bancorp Tower isn't the only thing you refer to as 'Big Pink'.

My hat is off to first time players -- and dark horse -- Queso Fantastico!, who charged back from third place in the penultimate round to finish with 116 points. Well done, gentleman, although your song request calls your musical tastes into suspicion... suspicion of excellence.

The rest of the cast:

Struggle Fest 101

The Most Interesting Team in the World 97

The Planeteers 95

Scientific Seduction 94

Just Married 77

Wooglin 69

Last night's questions (highlight to see the answers):

PIECE OF CAKE

1. Nicknamed “Chocolatetown, USA”, the town of Derry Church, PA was renamed what in 1906? A: Hersey, PA

2. What antacid used the slogan “Plop! Plop! Fizz! Fizz! Oh what a relief it is?” A: Alka Seltzer

3. Prior to World War II, several counties across southern Oregon and northern California proposed forming a new state named after what U.S. president? A: Jefferson

4. Which of the following is NOT a Stone Temple Pilots song: “Plush”, “Big Empty”, “Personal Jesus,” or “Sex Type Thing”? A: "Personal Jesus"

SUCK IT, TREBEK!

1. In it’s 35th and latest season, what TV show earned its 126th Emmy nomination, surpassing E.R. for the all-time record? A: SNL

2. The popular bumper sticker simply displaying the numbers “26.2” indicates a driver with an interest in what activity? A: running (Specifically, marathons.)

3. Which of the following words does NOT refer to one of the four lobes of the brain’s cerebral cortex: frontal, occipital, medial, parietal, or temporal? A: medial

4. Ras Hafun, the easternmost point of Africa, can be found in what country? A: Somalia (Might want to double-check this, though; the caveat on the page this links to says this fact is from the 1979 Great Soviet Encyclopedia and might "outdated or ideologically biased".)

WHOEVER SPELT IT, DEALT IT

1. pronounced uh-SEE-sis and meaning "strict self discipline" A: ascesis

2. pronounced BLOW-vee-eight and meaning "to speak pompously" A: bloviate

3. pronounced kah-kuh-STOCK-ruh-see and meaning "a government run by its worst citizens" A: kakistocracy

4. pronounced NO-sint and meaning "harmful or injurious" A: nocent

5. pronounced fih-LOLL-uh-gee and meaning "the study or literary texts or linguistics" A:philology

6. pronounced tuh-MEE-sis and meaning "the interpolation of one or more words between parts of a compound word; e.g., be thou ware" A: tmesis

7. pronounced DES-uh-kate and meaning "to dry thoroughly" A: desiccate

SHAPE UP

1. Four blue trapezoids are arranged at right angles to each other in the Chase bank logo, forming what shape? A: Octogon

2. A triangle can be said to be degenerate if it has an interior angle of how many degrees? A: 180 (I also accepted zero)

3. What is the primary practical reason most modern manhole covers are round? A: they can’t be dropped into the manhole (they cost up to $500 each)

4. The US Bank Tower on 5th and Burnside in Portland appears narrow from certain angles and wide from others as a result of its footprint being this shape? A: Rhombus (As the picture below illustrates, the tower has three "columns" of windows on one face and four on another, which, if they're all of the same size, technically makes it a rhomboid, but somehow busting out a tape measure and walking 30 blocks didn't seem worthwhile for this question. I accepted both answers. N.B.: While the answer "parallelogram" is also correct, it's not specific enough; the description also applies to squares and rectangles, which the building certainly isn't.)

And now you know more about this goddamn building than you ever wanted to.

STUMPED IN STUMPTOWN

1. Opened in 1905, what North Portland saloon -- now owned by McMenamins -- is also said to be one of Portland’s most haunted buildings? A: White Eagle

2. What two letters were swapped out of the Montgomery Park sign in 1989, giving it its present appearance? A: W & D (the building it sits atop was originally a Montgomery Ward distribution center)

3. According to the Office of Neighborhood Involvement, nine officially recognized Portland neighborhoods include the word “wood” in their names; how many can you name? A: Crestwood, Maplewood, Woodlawn, Hollywood, Hazelwood, Woodland Park, Brentwood-Darlington, Sellwood-Moreland, Woodstock (I gave three points for each correct name. There was a fair amount of plausible alternates turned in, though; for example, Sherwood and Maywood Park. The former is a suburban town rather than a neighborhood; see below for the explanation on the latter.)

4. Originally a neighborhood in NE Portland, Maywood Park, Oregon, became a separate city in 1967 in an effort to thwart the development of what highway project? A: Interstate 205 (They didn't stop it, obviously, but their efforts resulted in the freeway being sunken below grade and surrounded with a concrete sound berm.)

I can't be the only one who things Wu-Tang sounds like a date rape potion, can I?

Last night's winners:

The Chief Executive Ossifers

139

The runners up:

Scipio Africanus,135

Luke's Posse, 107

Road Kill, 57 (I can sincerely say these were the nicest people I've ever met from Mississippi)

As the linked team names suggest, last night felt at times like a biology lesson, a history lesson, and a meat market in the deep South as literally one hundred people with spiffy yellow conference tags invaded the Tortoise around 9:30. It was great to have that kind of action on a Tuesday night, but obviously not everyone was there for trivia, and this let to a bit of tension throughout the night.

I thought I'd share a couple of the better exchanges here.

Girl (running up to the booth): "Hey, can you tell me the answer to that last question?"

Me: "I'm pretty sure I just saw you talking to that team over there."

Girl: "Oh, yeah, but I'm not playing. I just want to know."

Me: "...."

Wasted Dude with Yankees Hat (sidling up next to me behind the mixer): "Hey... hey, man, I'm here from New York. New fucking York, dawg!"

Me: "How exciting for you."

WDWYH: "You gotta throw down some Jay-Z, knawhatI'msayin'... 'cause shlurpple bleshf, puhhh... hahahaha!"

Me: "Please leave some beer in this place for me."

While few people will overly mourn the loss of such characters as the guy with the afro in the Suns jersey who requested "Triumph" by the Wu-Tang Clan 37 times or the weird beard from Anchorage who incessantly reminded everyone of that fact (repetition is the essence of inebriation, apparently) to their respective home states, it is with much wist that the Cheerful Tortoise and I wish Brian, of Scipio Africanus/The Naked Bike Ride Photographers/David Bowie's Nipple Antennae/et al. farewell as he leaves us for Seattle.

That's right, Seattle. Lame.

A friend of mine moved to Seattle two years back. She told me it rained the day she got there, the day after, and the day after that. She met a kid on the street, and asked him if it ever stopped.

The kid replied, "How do I know? I'm only 13."

Seriously though, we all wish him the best of luck there. This is for you, Brian.

The Stanky Leg dance

PIECE OF CAKE
1. What kind of creature is the Looney Tunes character Speedy Gonzales? A: mouse
2. What two seasons of the year begin with an equinox? A: spring and autumn
3. What is the chess term for the situation when a player’s king is threatened but has at least one option open to avoid capture? A: check
4. Which of the following is NOT a Jimmy Buffet song: “Margaritaville,” “Bananas and Blow”, “Cheeseburger in Paradise”, or “Come Monday”? A: "Bananas and Blow"

SUCK IT, TREBEK!
1. When the body of this author who died in 1870 was relocated in 2002, a cloth with the motto “un pour tous, tous pour un” was used. A: Alexander Dumas
2. In January 1990, what world landmark closed to the public for the first time in its history for safety reasons as engineers worked to stabilize it? A: the Leaning Tower of Pisa
3. In 2003, mayor Richard Daley ordered private crews to bulldoze the runway at a small airport in this city, a decision that cost city government over $1,000,000 in fines and repaid federal grants. A: Chicago
4. Cosa Nostra, another term for the Mafia, translates to English as this. A: Our Thing

SONGS ABOUT CHICKS (name the woman in the song)
1. “You don’t have to put on the red light/ Those days are over, you don’t have to sell your body to the night.” A: Roxanne
2. “Well I’m not the world’s most physical guy/ But when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine.” A: Lola
3. “Father McKenzie, wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave, no one was saved.” A: Eleanor Rigby
4. “I tried to give you consolation/ Your old man wouldn’t let you down.” A: Layla

GEOGRAPHY
1. The terminator is an constantly moving line over the Earth’s surface; what happens when it crosses an area? A: Nightfall or daybreak
2. What modern day Eurasian country is - by treaty - the successor to the now-defunct Ottoman Empire? A: Turkey (Treaty of Lausanne in 1923 established the Republic of Turkey)
3. With 663,268 square miles of land and water area, what is that maximum number of smaller U.S. states that could fit inside the state of Alaska - 17, 21, 24, or 29? A: 21
4. What is the only U.S. state bordered entirely by rivers on both its eastern and western boundaries? A: Iowa (Mississippi and Missouri)

WHOEVER SPELT IT, DEALT IT
1. gavel (small mallet)
2. conscientious (having a conscience)
3. obsequious (fawning, servile, or smarmy)
4. hieroglyphic (ancient Egyptian writing)
5. subpoena (summons to court)
6. daiquiri (rum drink with fruit juice, sugar)
7. lascivious (inclined to lustfulness, lewd)

AIM FOR THE STARS
1. What four-engine, three-tailed, propeller-driven airliner built by the Lockheed corporation served as the presidential aircraft for Dwight Eisenhower? A: Constellation
2. Founded in 1971 by two teachers and a writer, what American company’s name is derived from the first mate of the Pequod from the novel Moby-Dick? A: Starbuck’s
3. What 1972 David Bowie song was rated #277 on Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Songs of All Time list? A: “Ziggy Stardust”
4. The Beatles’ original drummer Pete Best was replaced in 1962 by Ringo Starr, born under the name Richard ____? A: Starkey

STUMPED IN STUMPTOWN
1. TriMet bus line 84 provides rush hour service between Gresham and what “exciting” but unincorporated community in Clackamas County? A: Boring
2. According to a city ordinance adopted in 2002, what do the four blue intersecting lines on the city flag represent? A: rivers
3. What Portland neighborhood acquired its named after early residents’ practice of letting their pet waterfowl run through the streets there? A: Goose Hollow
4. There are three Oregon State Parks located in Portland; name one of them. A: Government Island, Tryon Creek (most popular), Willamette Stone (West Hills)

Will Rogers never met a man he didn't like. Samuel L. Jackson feels that way about paychecks.

So I've decided it's time for a trivia leaderboard in the Cheerful Tortoise. This will serve a few purposes: a) allow teams that consistently cream the competition (cough*Naked Bike Ride Photographers*cough) to flaunt their badassery in the face of hungover grad students all week long, b) keep track of the teams who appear most often to award monthly and quarterly prizes, and c) rub in how much fun we're having here every Tuesday.

Last night's prizes included the Schoolhouse Rock soundtrack, a copy of the U.S. Constitution, some The Kids Are All Right wife-beaters, and the Lake Oswego edition of Monopoly, which sounds pretty cool until you think about how a game of that would play out.

Last night's questions and correct answers:

PIECE OF CAKE
1. What string instrument is capable of playing the highest notes in an orchestra? A: violin
2. Held on grass courts since 1877 in a suburb of London, what is the oldest and most prestigious tennis championship on earth? A: Wimbledon
3. Who commanded the ship the “Jolly Roger” in J.M. Barrie’s play Peter Pan? A: Captain Hook
4. Which of the following is NOT a Weird Al Yankovic song: “White and Nerdy”, “Bohemian Polka,” “The Pick of Destiny”, or “Phony Calls”? A: “The Pick of Destiny”

SUCK IT, TREBEK!
1. Originally titled Fiesta, a title which it retains in England and most of its translations, what Hemingway novel was published in America under a name inspired by the Biblical book of Ecclesiastes? A: The Sun Also Rises
2. In Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner”, with what weapon does the mariner kill an albatross? A: crossbow
3. What kind of animal does the adjective vulpine describe? A: Fox
4. Which nation joined the Group of Seven in 1997 to form the G8? A: Russia

AMERICA, FUCK YEAH
1. According to an urban legend, what is the only U.S. state allowed to fly its flag at the same height as the American flag? A: Texas
2. The 18th amendment enacting Prohibition was passed in 1919; however, a state law had already gone into effect banning alcohol in Oregon how many years earlier? A: 3 (1916)
3. Which U.S. president spoke fluent Dutch at home with his wife, and is thought to have coined the term “okay”? A: Van Buren
4. What was the codename of the mission launched by a U.S.-led coalition in 1990 to prevent Iraq from invading Saudi Arabia? A: Operation Desert Shield

GEOGRAPHY
1. Disko Island, one of the world’s 100 largest islands, contains over 2,000 hot springs and, surprisingly, no dance clubs. Off the coast of what country is it located? A: Greenland
2. There are four Commonwealths in the United States; the rest are States. Name three of them. A: MA, KY, PA, VA
3. Which of the world’s four major oceans has the highest salt content? A: Atlantic
4. What eastern state has the country’s shortest shoreline, at 14 miles? A: New Hampshire

WHOEVER SPELT IT, DEALT IT
1. acquiesce (to relent)
2. aneurysm (brain injury)
3. prescience (foreknowledge of things; clairvoyance)
4. crustacean (sea critter)
5. sentient (aware)
6. prosthesis (artificial body part)
7. urinary (relating to urine)

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKIN’ JACKSON
1. In 2001, Samuel L. Jackson gave Marvel Comics permission to use his likeness for their “Ultimate” version of what comic book character? A: Nick Fury
2. What 1991 film starring Wesley Snipes prompted the Cannes Film Festival to create a Best Supporting Actor award for Samuel L. Jackson’s performance? A: Jungle Fever
3. In the Star Wars prequel trilogy, what aspect of SLJ’s character, Mace Windu, did the filmmakers change at his request? A: the color of his lightsaber (to purple)
4. Some might call it a name fit for a king. What does the “L” in Samuel L. Jackson stand for? A: Leroy

STUMPED IN STUMPTOWN
1. As part of the bicentennial celebration of the United States, an American flag and an Oregon flag, each measuring 15 x 25 feet, were mounted on the crest of the Fremont Bridge in 1976. How tall are their flagpoles? A: 50 feet
2. On average, which of the following is the busiest section of highway in the Portland metro area: the 1-5 Interstate Bridge (between PDX and Vancouver), the Vista Ridge Tunnels on Route 26 (PDX and Beaverton), the 1-205 Glenn Jackson Memorial Bridge (East PDX and Vancouver), or Route 217 (between Beaverton and Tigard)? A: Vista Ridge Tunnels (139,300 average daily traffic volume)
3. After attracting attention from local health officials, Voodoo Doughnuts opted to remove a donut from their menu that was glazed with what? A: NyQuil
4. Opened in 2001, the Portland Streetcar operates on a one-way route from NW 23rd Ave along Lovejoy, 11th Ave, and across the PSU campus to the South Waterfront, a distance of approximately how many miles? A: 4 miles

Two Worlds, one Cup.

Congratulations go out to last night's winners:

Naked Bike Ride Photographers

...who mercifully did not share any photos of Saturday's above-mentioned exploits. As a result of their night-winning 151-point score, they are going to a Portland Timbers game, because there's just not enough soccer on TV these days, is there?

The runners up:

Break Dancing Should Not Require Assistance from the Elderly (best team name, best team name directly referencing information the host thought was relayed in confidence about his dance floor antics, best Sean Connery insult, most phallic doodling--these guys really swept a number of categories)

Yeah, so???

Team Lebowski

Angry Birds (highest per capita score of the evening)

KO Dynasty

The Burning Crotches

Team Hope

The categories, questions and correct answers from last night:

PIECE OF CAKE

1. What health emergency was North Korean leader Kim Jong-il widely suspected to have suffered in 2008? A: stroke

2. What beloved comic ran from 1950 to 2000 and has been described as "the longest story ever told by a human being"? A: Peanuts

3. What type of cake typically uses a coconut-pecan frosting with maraschino cherries on top? A: German chocolate

4. Which of the following is NOT a song by The Eagles: "Take It Easy", "Hotel California", "Californication", or "Desperado"? A: "Californication"

SUCK IT, TREBEK!

1. After earning an undergrad degree in history at Yale, what U.S. president went on (at a different school) to earn an MBA, making him the only president to hold that degree? A: G.W. Bush

2. The Raymond Orteig prize, awarded to Charles Lindbergh for achieving the first solo nonstop flight between New York City and Paris in 1927, consisted of 10, 14, 25, or 30,000 dollars? A: $25k

3. While it's also been proven to help lower cholesterol, the product Metamucil is designed to add WHAT to the diet? A: fiber

4. Often compared to Gangsta Rap in the U.S., a narcocorrido is a type of Mexican folk ballad primarily dealing with what subject? A: drugs (lit. 'drug ballad')

PLEASE PASS THE GAS

Q1. What car manufacturer has named at least five of its models after different types of winds? A: Volkswagen (Passat, Jetta, Golf, Scirocco, Bora)

Q2. Also known as "fall winds", what is the technical term for a wind that carries a higher density air down a slope under the force of gravity? A: katabatic wind

Q3. Name one of the two planets that have the highest surface winds observed in our solar system. A: Neptune and Saturn

Q4. What minimum wind speed (in miles per hour) must be sustained for a storm to be considered a hurricane? A: 74 mph

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID
1. "You taught me the ways of desire, now it's taken its toll/ You're the right kind of sinner to release my inner fantasy." Pat Benatar

2. "Well I know that I'll get through this/ 'cause I am strong/ And I don't need you anymore/ No I don't need you anymore." Cher

3. "I've been a long, long way from here/ Put on a poncho, played for mosquitoes/ And drank till I was thirsty again." Sheryl Crow

4. "I understand if you can't talk to me again/ And if you live by the rules of "it's over"/ Then I'm sure that that makes sense." Dido

WHOEVER SPELT IT, DEALT IT

1. intransigence (refusal to compromise)

2. Caelacanth (type of ancient fish)

3. segue (smooth transition)

4. pompadour (hairstyle)

5. clandestinity (secrecy)

6. nylghau (Indian antelope breed)

7. embarrass (cause to feel shame)

IF YOU TRIAL SOMETIMES...

1. The French term voir dire, referring to the period wherein lawyers may openly ask questions of citizens in order to select a jury, literally means to do what? A: tell the truth

2. What was the name of the twenty-three-member council of judges who presided over Jesus' trial in 33 A.D.? A: the Sanhedrin

3. Which of the following Law and Order series premiered first: Special Victims Unit, Criminal Intent, Trial By Jury, or Crime & Punishment? A: SVU (1999)

4. The fictional law firm Cage, Fish and Associates was the primary setting of what TV series? A: Ally McBeal

STUMPED IN STUMPTOWN

1. At 11,249 feet, Mount Hood isn't among the 50 highest peaks in the United States, but it ranks 28th place in what other measure? A: prominence (7,706 feet)

2. There are two streets in the Alphabet District named after the founders of Portland; name one of them. A: Lovejoy or Pettygrove

3. The Columbia River's drainage basin (which includes all its tributaries) extends into Oregon and six other U.S. states, including which three states wholly outside the Pacific Northwest? A: Nevada, Utah, Wyoming
4. Although frequently referred to as the most environmentally friendly city in the U.S., Grist Magazine ranks Portland second in the world, behind what national capital? A: Reykjavik, Iceland

In the time it took me to write this, Bill Gates earned quite a bit more than a quarter.

Congratulations to this week's champions:

Don't Cry Over Spilt Beer

189

If I had thought to give a prize for the most fitting team name, these guys would have taken that, too. Somehow they made it through the night with a soaked score sheet. I admire their tenacity.

Thanks to the other teams, whose doodles, catcalls, creativity and general sexiness made my night, as always. Here they are, ranked:

David Bowie's Nipple Antennae (tied with T.F.M.B. for Best Team Name)

The Flaming Metric Balls

The Turtleheads

The Smartasses (these dudes had the highest per capita score of the evening)

In other news, I'm having breakfast at the Tortoise, and in a strange predicament. I need to grab a Scantron for a final, and have no cash or coin on me. They are 24 cents, I believe. Do I insult my waitress by convincing her to give me a quarter in exchange for a 25 cents more of a tip, or do I just ask her outright if she's got the damn quarter on her?

Such are all the little cost-benefit analyses that make up life.