I can't be the only one who things Wu-Tang sounds like a date rape potion, can I?

Last night's winners:

The Chief Executive Ossifers

139

The runners up:

Scipio Africanus,135

Luke's Posse, 107

Road Kill, 57 (I can sincerely say these were the nicest people I've ever met from Mississippi)

As the linked team names suggest, last night felt at times like a biology lesson, a history lesson, and a meat market in the deep South as literally one hundred people with spiffy yellow conference tags invaded the Tortoise around 9:30. It was great to have that kind of action on a Tuesday night, but obviously not everyone was there for trivia, and this let to a bit of tension throughout the night.

I thought I'd share a couple of the better exchanges here.

Girl (running up to the booth): "Hey, can you tell me the answer to that last question?"

Me: "I'm pretty sure I just saw you talking to that team over there."

Girl: "Oh, yeah, but I'm not playing. I just want to know."

Me: "...."

Wasted Dude with Yankees Hat (sidling up next to me behind the mixer): "Hey... hey, man, I'm here from New York. New fucking York, dawg!"

Me: "How exciting for you."

WDWYH: "You gotta throw down some Jay-Z, knawhatI'msayin'... 'cause shlurpple bleshf, puhhh... hahahaha!"

Me: "Please leave some beer in this place for me."

While few people will overly mourn the loss of such characters as the guy with the afro in the Suns jersey who requested "Triumph" by the Wu-Tang Clan 37 times or the weird beard from Anchorage who incessantly reminded everyone of that fact (repetition is the essence of inebriation, apparently) to their respective home states, it is with much wist that the Cheerful Tortoise and I wish Brian, of Scipio Africanus/The Naked Bike Ride Photographers/David Bowie's Nipple Antennae/et al. farewell as he leaves us for Seattle.

That's right, Seattle. Lame.

A friend of mine moved to Seattle two years back. She told me it rained the day she got there, the day after, and the day after that. She met a kid on the street, and asked him if it ever stopped.

The kid replied, "How do I know? I'm only 13."

Seriously though, we all wish him the best of luck there. This is for you, Brian.

The Stanky Leg dance

PIECE OF CAKE
1. What kind of creature is the Looney Tunes character Speedy Gonzales? A: mouse
2. What two seasons of the year begin with an equinox? A: spring and autumn
3. What is the chess term for the situation when a player’s king is threatened but has at least one option open to avoid capture? A: check
4. Which of the following is NOT a Jimmy Buffet song: “Margaritaville,” “Bananas and Blow”, “Cheeseburger in Paradise”, or “Come Monday”? A: "Bananas and Blow"

SUCK IT, TREBEK!
1. When the body of this author who died in 1870 was relocated in 2002, a cloth with the motto “un pour tous, tous pour un” was used. A: Alexander Dumas
2. In January 1990, what world landmark closed to the public for the first time in its history for safety reasons as engineers worked to stabilize it? A: the Leaning Tower of Pisa
3. In 2003, mayor Richard Daley ordered private crews to bulldoze the runway at a small airport in this city, a decision that cost city government over $1,000,000 in fines and repaid federal grants. A: Chicago
4. Cosa Nostra, another term for the Mafia, translates to English as this. A: Our Thing

SONGS ABOUT CHICKS (name the woman in the song)
1. “You don’t have to put on the red light/ Those days are over, you don’t have to sell your body to the night.” A: Roxanne
2. “Well I’m not the world’s most physical guy/ But when she squeezed me tight she nearly broke my spine.” A: Lola
3. “Father McKenzie, wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave, no one was saved.” A: Eleanor Rigby
4. “I tried to give you consolation/ Your old man wouldn’t let you down.” A: Layla

GEOGRAPHY
1. The terminator is an constantly moving line over the Earth’s surface; what happens when it crosses an area? A: Nightfall or daybreak
2. What modern day Eurasian country is - by treaty - the successor to the now-defunct Ottoman Empire? A: Turkey (Treaty of Lausanne in 1923 established the Republic of Turkey)
3. With 663,268 square miles of land and water area, what is that maximum number of smaller U.S. states that could fit inside the state of Alaska - 17, 21, 24, or 29? A: 21
4. What is the only U.S. state bordered entirely by rivers on both its eastern and western boundaries? A: Iowa (Mississippi and Missouri)

WHOEVER SPELT IT, DEALT IT
1. gavel (small mallet)
2. conscientious (having a conscience)
3. obsequious (fawning, servile, or smarmy)
4. hieroglyphic (ancient Egyptian writing)
5. subpoena (summons to court)
6. daiquiri (rum drink with fruit juice, sugar)
7. lascivious (inclined to lustfulness, lewd)

AIM FOR THE STARS
1. What four-engine, three-tailed, propeller-driven airliner built by the Lockheed corporation served as the presidential aircraft for Dwight Eisenhower? A: Constellation
2. Founded in 1971 by two teachers and a writer, what American company’s name is derived from the first mate of the Pequod from the novel Moby-Dick? A: Starbuck’s
3. What 1972 David Bowie song was rated #277 on Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Songs of All Time list? A: “Ziggy Stardust”
4. The Beatles’ original drummer Pete Best was replaced in 1962 by Ringo Starr, born under the name Richard ____? A: Starkey

STUMPED IN STUMPTOWN
1. TriMet bus line 84 provides rush hour service between Gresham and what “exciting” but unincorporated community in Clackamas County? A: Boring
2. According to a city ordinance adopted in 2002, what do the four blue intersecting lines on the city flag represent? A: rivers
3. What Portland neighborhood acquired its named after early residents’ practice of letting their pet waterfowl run through the streets there? A: Goose Hollow
4. There are three Oregon State Parks located in Portland; name one of them. A: Government Island, Tryon Creek (most popular), Willamette Stone (West Hills)

Will Rogers never met a man he didn't like. Samuel L. Jackson feels that way about paychecks.

So I've decided it's time for a trivia leaderboard in the Cheerful Tortoise. This will serve a few purposes: a) allow teams that consistently cream the competition (cough*Naked Bike Ride Photographers*cough) to flaunt their badassery in the face of hungover grad students all week long, b) keep track of the teams who appear most often to award monthly and quarterly prizes, and c) rub in how much fun we're having here every Tuesday.

Last night's prizes included the Schoolhouse Rock soundtrack, a copy of the U.S. Constitution, some The Kids Are All Right wife-beaters, and the Lake Oswego edition of Monopoly, which sounds pretty cool until you think about how a game of that would play out.

Last night's questions and correct answers:

PIECE OF CAKE
1. What string instrument is capable of playing the highest notes in an orchestra? A: violin
2. Held on grass courts since 1877 in a suburb of London, what is the oldest and most prestigious tennis championship on earth? A: Wimbledon
3. Who commanded the ship the “Jolly Roger” in J.M. Barrie’s play Peter Pan? A: Captain Hook
4. Which of the following is NOT a Weird Al Yankovic song: “White and Nerdy”, “Bohemian Polka,” “The Pick of Destiny”, or “Phony Calls”? A: “The Pick of Destiny”

SUCK IT, TREBEK!
1. Originally titled Fiesta, a title which it retains in England and most of its translations, what Hemingway novel was published in America under a name inspired by the Biblical book of Ecclesiastes? A: The Sun Also Rises
2. In Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner”, with what weapon does the mariner kill an albatross? A: crossbow
3. What kind of animal does the adjective vulpine describe? A: Fox
4. Which nation joined the Group of Seven in 1997 to form the G8? A: Russia

AMERICA, FUCK YEAH
1. According to an urban legend, what is the only U.S. state allowed to fly its flag at the same height as the American flag? A: Texas
2. The 18th amendment enacting Prohibition was passed in 1919; however, a state law had already gone into effect banning alcohol in Oregon how many years earlier? A: 3 (1916)
3. Which U.S. president spoke fluent Dutch at home with his wife, and is thought to have coined the term “okay”? A: Van Buren
4. What was the codename of the mission launched by a U.S.-led coalition in 1990 to prevent Iraq from invading Saudi Arabia? A: Operation Desert Shield

GEOGRAPHY
1. Disko Island, one of the world’s 100 largest islands, contains over 2,000 hot springs and, surprisingly, no dance clubs. Off the coast of what country is it located? A: Greenland
2. There are four Commonwealths in the United States; the rest are States. Name three of them. A: MA, KY, PA, VA
3. Which of the world’s four major oceans has the highest salt content? A: Atlantic
4. What eastern state has the country’s shortest shoreline, at 14 miles? A: New Hampshire

WHOEVER SPELT IT, DEALT IT
1. acquiesce (to relent)
2. aneurysm (brain injury)
3. prescience (foreknowledge of things; clairvoyance)
4. crustacean (sea critter)
5. sentient (aware)
6. prosthesis (artificial body part)
7. urinary (relating to urine)

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKIN’ JACKSON
1. In 2001, Samuel L. Jackson gave Marvel Comics permission to use his likeness for their “Ultimate” version of what comic book character? A: Nick Fury
2. What 1991 film starring Wesley Snipes prompted the Cannes Film Festival to create a Best Supporting Actor award for Samuel L. Jackson’s performance? A: Jungle Fever
3. In the Star Wars prequel trilogy, what aspect of SLJ’s character, Mace Windu, did the filmmakers change at his request? A: the color of his lightsaber (to purple)
4. Some might call it a name fit for a king. What does the “L” in Samuel L. Jackson stand for? A: Leroy

STUMPED IN STUMPTOWN
1. As part of the bicentennial celebration of the United States, an American flag and an Oregon flag, each measuring 15 x 25 feet, were mounted on the crest of the Fremont Bridge in 1976. How tall are their flagpoles? A: 50 feet
2. On average, which of the following is the busiest section of highway in the Portland metro area: the 1-5 Interstate Bridge (between PDX and Vancouver), the Vista Ridge Tunnels on Route 26 (PDX and Beaverton), the 1-205 Glenn Jackson Memorial Bridge (East PDX and Vancouver), or Route 217 (between Beaverton and Tigard)? A: Vista Ridge Tunnels (139,300 average daily traffic volume)
3. After attracting attention from local health officials, Voodoo Doughnuts opted to remove a donut from their menu that was glazed with what? A: NyQuil
4. Opened in 2001, the Portland Streetcar operates on a one-way route from NW 23rd Ave along Lovejoy, 11th Ave, and across the PSU campus to the South Waterfront, a distance of approximately how many miles? A: 4 miles