Two Worlds, one Cup.

Congratulations go out to last night's winners:

Naked Bike Ride Photographers

...who mercifully did not share any photos of Saturday's above-mentioned exploits. As a result of their night-winning 151-point score, they are going to a Portland Timbers game, because there's just not enough soccer on TV these days, is there?

The runners up:

Break Dancing Should Not Require Assistance from the Elderly (best team name, best team name directly referencing information the host thought was relayed in confidence about his dance floor antics, best Sean Connery insult, most phallic doodling--these guys really swept a number of categories)

Yeah, so???

Team Lebowski

Angry Birds (highest per capita score of the evening)

KO Dynasty

The Burning Crotches

Team Hope

The categories, questions and correct answers from last night:

PIECE OF CAKE

1. What health emergency was North Korean leader Kim Jong-il widely suspected to have suffered in 2008? A: stroke

2. What beloved comic ran from 1950 to 2000 and has been described as "the longest story ever told by a human being"? A: Peanuts

3. What type of cake typically uses a coconut-pecan frosting with maraschino cherries on top? A: German chocolate

4. Which of the following is NOT a song by The Eagles: "Take It Easy", "Hotel California", "Californication", or "Desperado"? A: "Californication"

SUCK IT, TREBEK!

1. After earning an undergrad degree in history at Yale, what U.S. president went on (at a different school) to earn an MBA, making him the only president to hold that degree? A: G.W. Bush

2. The Raymond Orteig prize, awarded to Charles Lindbergh for achieving the first solo nonstop flight between New York City and Paris in 1927, consisted of 10, 14, 25, or 30,000 dollars? A: $25k

3. While it's also been proven to help lower cholesterol, the product Metamucil is designed to add WHAT to the diet? A: fiber

4. Often compared to Gangsta Rap in the U.S., a narcocorrido is a type of Mexican folk ballad primarily dealing with what subject? A: drugs (lit. 'drug ballad')

PLEASE PASS THE GAS

Q1. What car manufacturer has named at least five of its models after different types of winds? A: Volkswagen (Passat, Jetta, Golf, Scirocco, Bora)

Q2. Also known as "fall winds", what is the technical term for a wind that carries a higher density air down a slope under the force of gravity? A: katabatic wind

Q3. Name one of the two planets that have the highest surface winds observed in our solar system. A: Neptune and Saturn

Q4. What minimum wind speed (in miles per hour) must be sustained for a storm to be considered a hurricane? A: 74 mph

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID
1. "You taught me the ways of desire, now it's taken its toll/ You're the right kind of sinner to release my inner fantasy." Pat Benatar

2. "Well I know that I'll get through this/ 'cause I am strong/ And I don't need you anymore/ No I don't need you anymore." Cher

3. "I've been a long, long way from here/ Put on a poncho, played for mosquitoes/ And drank till I was thirsty again." Sheryl Crow

4. "I understand if you can't talk to me again/ And if you live by the rules of "it's over"/ Then I'm sure that that makes sense." Dido

WHOEVER SPELT IT, DEALT IT

1. intransigence (refusal to compromise)

2. Caelacanth (type of ancient fish)

3. segue (smooth transition)

4. pompadour (hairstyle)

5. clandestinity (secrecy)

6. nylghau (Indian antelope breed)

7. embarrass (cause to feel shame)

IF YOU TRIAL SOMETIMES...

1. The French term voir dire, referring to the period wherein lawyers may openly ask questions of citizens in order to select a jury, literally means to do what? A: tell the truth

2. What was the name of the twenty-three-member council of judges who presided over Jesus' trial in 33 A.D.? A: the Sanhedrin

3. Which of the following Law and Order series premiered first: Special Victims Unit, Criminal Intent, Trial By Jury, or Crime & Punishment? A: SVU (1999)

4. The fictional law firm Cage, Fish and Associates was the primary setting of what TV series? A: Ally McBeal

STUMPED IN STUMPTOWN

1. At 11,249 feet, Mount Hood isn't among the 50 highest peaks in the United States, but it ranks 28th place in what other measure? A: prominence (7,706 feet)

2. There are two streets in the Alphabet District named after the founders of Portland; name one of them. A: Lovejoy or Pettygrove

3. The Columbia River's drainage basin (which includes all its tributaries) extends into Oregon and six other U.S. states, including which three states wholly outside the Pacific Northwest? A: Nevada, Utah, Wyoming
4. Although frequently referred to as the most environmentally friendly city in the U.S., Grist Magazine ranks Portland second in the world, behind what national capital? A: Reykjavik, Iceland

In the time it took me to write this, Bill Gates earned quite a bit more than a quarter.

Congratulations to this week's champions:

Don't Cry Over Spilt Beer

189

If I had thought to give a prize for the most fitting team name, these guys would have taken that, too. Somehow they made it through the night with a soaked score sheet. I admire their tenacity.

Thanks to the other teams, whose doodles, catcalls, creativity and general sexiness made my night, as always. Here they are, ranked:

David Bowie's Nipple Antennae (tied with T.F.M.B. for Best Team Name)

The Flaming Metric Balls

The Turtleheads

The Smartasses (these dudes had the highest per capita score of the evening)

In other news, I'm having breakfast at the Tortoise, and in a strange predicament. I need to grab a Scantron for a final, and have no cash or coin on me. They are 24 cents, I believe. Do I insult my waitress by convincing her to give me a quarter in exchange for a 25 cents more of a tip, or do I just ask her outright if she's got the damn quarter on her?

Such are all the little cost-benefit analyses that make up life.

That's the funny thing about pub quizzes. People drink first and ask questions later.

After a week of waiting, I've accepted the fact that some politicians can't be bought, even with Nightmare on Elm Street swag. A week ago, I emailed Sam Adams' chief of staff, thinking it would be cool if the man would lend his signature to a promo basketball bearing his/the prominently non-local beer company's name. Crickets. Maybe I'll grit my teeth and hit up Chris Dudley?

Either way, I've decided I'm justified in expressing my disappointment as a lame joke (that will probably preclude me from ever seeking public office). This is how I imagine my email was received:

Congratulations to last night's champions, Beer:30! A big thank you goes out to all of last night's teams, who were awesome, hilarious, and kept the Chuck Norris jokes flowing. Though I initially worried the irony of giving away promotional Splice t-shirts to those who conquered the bad movie bonus round would be too much for some to bear, the flick is actually holding an 81% fresh rating on RottenTomatoes.com at the moment. Maybe next week I'll give away some tickets to it.

The standings, as of the end of the night:

Beer:30 168

Shoe Twins 131

We're So Glam We Piss Glitter 124

The A-Team 121

Team Zaaah! 92

Propinquity 86

The Wankers 44

Funniest Team Name:

We're So Glam We Piss Glitter

Most Appropriate and/or Cerebral Team Name:

Propinquity

Best Chuck Norris fact of the evening (as measured by popular vote):

"Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now simple known as The Islands."

Best Doodle (of Chuck Norris... with a giant erection?):

Shoe Twins

Answers to the Bad Movie Bonus Round... with Tomatometer ratings and review snippets matched to the movie:

Batman & Robin (12%) "The franchise has gotten aggressively unsatisfying."

Howard the Duck (16%) "Okay, so I liked it. I'm one of five people on the planet. Sue me, all right?"

Gigli (6%) "How any relationship could be expected to survive after [seeing it] is a mystery. So if you're thinking of bringing someone for the laugh, be prepared to go home alone."

2012 (39%) "A boring, stupid, overlong, obnoxious, soulless piece of Hollywood 'product'."

10,000 B.C. (9%) "This is like Uwe Boll with a budget. It's the village idiot of movies."

Catwoman (10%) "Exactly as awful as it was rumored to be."

Sex and the City 2 (12%) "...like watching Us Weekly prank call The New York Times."
Spider-Man 3 (63%) "The proceedings in this grand hodgepodge are so disordered that it would be no surprise were a Nazgul to fly into the scene, perhaps ridden by Dr. Zaius."
Battlefield Earth (2%) "If you are looking for something to hate and despise, get thee to this movie."

Kazaam (4%) "Overall, a compelling argument for [Shaquille O'Neal] to keep his day job."

House of the Dead (4%) "Boll directs the film as indiscriminately as the characters fire their weapons."
The Postman (10%) "Return to sender. Audience unknown."

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (5%) "Being shot would be preferable to sitting through this."

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (0%) "Who exactly is fighting whom here? Ah, yes, that would be me: fighting off the urge to doze."

From Justin to Kelly (8%) "It's like Grease: The Next Generation acted out by the food court staff at SeaWorld."
The Adventures of Pluto Nash (6%) "Movie fans, get ready to take off... in the other direction."
Showgirls (14%) "As hoary as it is whore-y."

Son of the Mask (7%) "There's an audience out there for movies like [this], but it's too depressing to speculate who that might be."

Basic Instinct 2 (7%) "It's not an erotic thriller. It's taxidermy."

Superbabies 2: Baby Geniuses (0%) "Whoever gave this the green light should be spanked."